On Being Engaged
It’s been almost a month (Feb 14) that Adam has proposed and in the midst of all the squeals of excitement with friends, celebrating, wedding venue excursions, a mix of emotions and thoughts are going through my head.
Perhaps it’s the Disney, or the media, or the wedding photojournalism, or maybe a combination of all of those; it really plays with your mind. I used to think getting a ring on my finger and finally having someone promise to forever be “the one” was the most exciting and looked forward event of a woman’s life. My whole life, I almost planned to an exact pinpoint what my reaction would be the day I saw that sparkly rock. I’m a big planner; I try not to be, but I just am. I’m an extreme type A, detail-oriented, planning freak. I may have my emotional side composed, but still, I got it planned out.
But when I saw Adam standing there with that rock my planned out “hip-hip-hooray” jump, squeal and shout of “yes” got shot. I just sat there really still and it’s as if those on-looking kids that were suddenly gasping, screaming, and giggling were pressed on mute. I heard white silence around me. And in those five seconds that I took to respond (which felt more like five minutes), I looked at that ring and thought about what it means to commit. Because in our unfolding story, my “yes” opens up a Pandora’s box of disownment for him. Ahead would be goodbyes for him, and I would become his sole female supporter. On the other side, I expected him to promise that he would fend for me no matter what. The circular ring represented a promise that could not be broken by man. So in a sense, my “yes” was taking a step of faith not knowing if God will deliver the reconciliation that we want in a year, a few years, or ever. It was a “yes”, we’ll cling onto God together in this journey together…no matter how low and deep it takes us in life’s valleys.
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Suffering appears in the weirdest forms and in the most unusual times. Though this period of engagement only increased our hardship, it’s almost as if God’s divine plan is starting to manifest itself and I’m only forced to view it as a blessing. We’ve seen friends suddenly want to go to church, my parents have taken him in and have prematurely treated him as son, and our church family has almost given us a bubble of protection. It’s a bittersweet emotion, because one side of me is discouraged that they’ll only be forever an “auntie” and “uncle”, not mom or dad, but the other side is grateful because I get to learn at an early stage to prepare for a marriage, not a wedding.
A shield of peace has been following me closely and little blessings here and there are God’s ways of showing me that he listens to my plea and I am not forgotten. My long-awaited prayer for female accountability has been provided, and prospects of a full-time job seem to be looming ahead.
I’ve been in this small group where we read chapters of the Bible together and do critical analysis. I’m seeing that women in the Bible centuries ago are not so different from my current state in life. I was shocked to discover the greats like Rebekah, Rachel & Leah, Sarah, Tamal (all from Genesis) were not the docile and subservient women that I always thought they were. They were women in desperate times but held a very strong will, belief, and backbone. However, God heard them wherever they were out and provided just enough blessings to balance out the suffering. And it’s now through these stories that I am constantly reminded everyday that God once heard their cries thousands of years ago and will not be deaf to mine either.
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So in this one month as I’m constantly reflecting as what’s going on and looking forward, I’m starting to see what love is. I’m proud to say I’ve never really been in this smitten and love-struck phase with Adam. In the four and a half years we’ve been together, we never took a photo shoot, expensive restaurant adventure, luxurious get aways, etc. Love cannot really be defined because it’s ever changing, moldable to fit your needs. I’m starting to just see that we’ve come so far and yet, we’re just really starting.
I find it ironic because in the beginning of our relationship, I thought, “I’m going to change him.” I’m going to change his weight, his ridiculous wardrobe, workout routine, eating habits, his obnoxious behavior…I’m going to make him my project and perfect him. When he’d argue with it, I’d say, “One day, when you stand at that alter, you’re going to thank me, because I made you better.” The funny thing was, I never imagined that years later, I think I’ll be doing that. I’ve learned that the people that point to others that say they’re going get changed are usually the ones that get the transformation. God is funny in that aspect.
I have no singular definition for love. My “yes” meant that it was saying goodbye to all the comforts that we’ve imagined and we’re going to work really hard in something we believe in. My kids ask me “how I know he’s the one”. I really have no answer. I don’t know if I believe in “the one” because there are no signals, and no match, but it’s a commitment I make to stay to be his supporter, to be his comforter, to be his teacher and his student, and to carry him on my shoulders when he can no further. It’s not the easiest and happiest story, but it’s okay, that’s our story. And now it’s just really starting to unfold.:)
